Here’s a little story about a guy named Tony. Tony has a problem with a close family member, it could be an adult child or maybe one of his siblings. Tony really loves this person and the friction in the relationship bothers him a lot. The problems in the relationship have existed for a few years and he isn’t sure what to do to create a healthier, happier existence between the two of them.
Now, Tony has another problem: he’s a guy. Don’t worry, I’m a guy also, so I know the challenges Tony faces...intimately! Tony wants to be accepted and loved, whether he is able to state this in clear and accurate terms to those around him, that’s a completely different issue.
Tony wants to feel competent.
He can detail all kinds of success he has had in his life and the different areas he is currently succeeding in, so he is troubled by the fact that he is having so little success with this important relationship.
As a guy, Tony doesn’t do too well when it comes to asking for help or admitting he has some weaknesses. Fear of rejection is a very real thing for Tony and as a guy, I can really, really, relate to his fears.
As men, the standard question we get asked in a public setting is based on “what we do” far more often than “how we are.” What are you doing these days Chris? Where are you working? What are you working on? Rarely do I get asked the question “How are you Chris?”
The problem with this line of questioning about “what we do” instead of “how are we doing,” is it limits our ability to listen to what is nearest and dearest to us based on our feelings and what our feelings are telling us about our values and core beliefs.
So Tony, like most of us men, has to work really hard to figure out what many of his negative feelings are. Tony and I both want to appear strong and competent and even though logically we may accept the premise that it’s OK to feel sad or hurt or scared, we struggle with being honest with ourselves, and therefore others about our failures.
So what do we do?
We lie!
“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
I’m sure there are many applications for this Bible verse, many more than I am going to address at this moment. Right now, the issue is about Tony learning how to be honest with himself, about himself and this intimate relationship that is really important to him.
So how does Tony lie?
Tony is frustrated and maybe even depressed about the situation, so when asked he says “I have no idea!” “I have no idea why the relationship has gone sideways,” he says. Do you see the problem here?
Tony is a bright guy. Tony is competent in lots of areas of his life, but in this area he is not getting the results he is looking for. So...after years of trying, he concedes and knowingly or unknowingly, gives up. “I have no idea what to do,” he reasons to himself.
Does it seem logical that Tony hasn’t even the slightest idea of what some of the core problems are and what some potential solutions could be, things he could take action on right now? Of course not. Tony is making himself more dumbber.
He is telling his brain to “give up,” “stop trying,” because it’s hopeless.
Tony is screwing with his own mind. At the beginning of the story I made it very clear that the fractured relationship in Tony’s life was one of high significance to him, but after years of tying to bring restoration, he has become dominated with thoughts and feelings of hopelessness, and he puts the brakes on his mental capacity to find solutions as long as he continues to lie to himself about having “no idea” as to what he could do differently, and there’s the rub:
Tony wants change without being willing to change.
Tony wants significant change in his life without being willing to make significant changes in his life. Let’s say that again. Tony wants significant changes in his life without being willing to make significant changes in his life.
Has Tony done a real inventory about the other person’s perspective on the fractured relationship? Has he actually listened to what the other party has to say about his behaviour and how it impacts them, both positively and negatively?
If Tony has experience in some sort of business/customer service, and he’s been successful at it, couldn’t he apply the same logical analytical abilities to an important relationship of his that is now in trouble? Of course he could, but he hasn’t, and whether he knows it or not, he most likely thinks the price is too high, the cost of change, that is.
How Porn Addiction Makes You More Dumbber, and Ways to Stop It.
When it comes to porn addiction, it’s often not an issue of skill nearly as much as it is an issue of will. Do you really think that the problem with your compulsive sexual behaviour/porn addiction is a lack of information? Do you not remember how frequently the apostle Paul brings up the issue of sexual sin in the Bible?
The first century church had a bunch of Christians who had been rescued out of habit of going to orgies! Paul didn’t shy away from the subject, because it would have been wrong to do so.
Compulsive or regular pornography use by a Christian makes them/you more dumbber. They have to ignore their feelings of shame that they feel. They have to ignore or stuff their feelings of depression. They need to deal with their fear and anxiety of being caught, by someone that is important to them.
At times they are in a spiritual state of mind and connected to God and his purposes for their life, and at other times they are unknowingly lusting after others they see out in public, fantasizing about having sex with them.
And, last but not least, one the of the worst set of mental gymnastics to deal with as a Christian who regularly consumes porn, involves having sex with your spouse and having the imagery of vast amounts of porn flooding your mind while engaged in such an important part of the marriage experience.
“I’m bonding with my spouse, but I’ve spent all this time bonding with whores, oh crap!”
Porn is simply prostitution with a camera present.
Can any of you married Christians, men or women, honestly say that you would feel comfortable sharing with your spouse the imagery of porn you’ve viewed, that is often running through your mind when you’re having sex with them?
Unlikely.
So, the choice is up to us, me and you. Are we going to act on what we do know or are we going to lie to ourselves and plead ignorance because we don’t know every step of our journey to recover from this lousy and destructive habit.
What’s one thing, it may be a small thing, that you could do today, to point your life in the right direction when it comes to overcoming porn addiction/compulsive sexual sin? I hope I’ve given you some valuable insights into what might be holding you back and how to get free.
If you'd like to talk about the challenges you are currently facing, fill in the form below for a free 30 minute consultation