Imagine for a moment a typical suburban backyard. It has a fence around it and different items in the backyard as well. Now consider the idea that each one of us has, what I call, a psychological “backyard.” In our backyard is a collection of our thoughts and experiences throughout our lifetime. There are aspects of our “backyard” that we like a lot and then there are parts of it we don’t like.
Now, our next door neighbour, represents someone close to us. This could be a spouse or adult parent, or even a boss or co-worker. In their “backyard” they also have a collection of life experiences and there is a wide range of both good and bad. The psychological backyard is really a composite collection of their life, hopes and dreams.
So, here I am in my backyard one day and I’m not feeling too good.
Maybe I had an argument with my spouse. Maybe I took a look at my pay stub and found that I had a little too much month at the end of my pay check. Perhaps I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired, it doesn’t really matter too much what is bothering me, but I’m feeling a little low, off kilter, perhaps a little depressed?
I’ve looked at a few aspects of my life and I’m not pleased with what I see, so I’ve decided, whether I’m aware of it or not, to focus my attention on another person’s backyard. I peer over the fence or boundary that separates us and take a look around.
Sometimes when I do this sort of poking around in another person’s backyard, I feel a lot worse than I did before. I see so many things in their life that are really good. Parts of their yard are so nice looking and productive. They have a garden and the nicest flower bushes, that would look so nice in my yard also. I decide to look into another person’s yard and they also have a bunch of very enviable things there. There are small children happily running around and playing. The grass is well kept and if I look long enough I can end up becoming even more bummed out and depressed because in many respects, there life looks a lot better than mine.
I find myself envious of what they have going on in their life. I don’t want to admit it publicly, but I am jealous of certain things that I see in the backyard of those people closest to me, I wonder why I chose to look their in the first place?!?!
On other occasions when I look in the yard of those close to me, I find myself feeling good, oddly so. I see all kinds of junk and piles of garbage that seem to have been there for a long time. The fence on their side is in dire need of a new coat of paint, there is an old car on blocks that needs a new home because it’s really an eyesore, and it doesn’t look like they do a consistent job of picking up the dog droppings from their favourite furry friend.
“Well”....I think, “My life doesn’t seem so bad after all, now that I’ve spent some time looking at the junk piling up in the yards of those around me.”
Perhaps I’ll avoid dealing with some problem areas of my life, now that I’ve realized that others around me also have these problems. I’ve decided to normalize my problems, and consider that maybe this is just the way it is going to be.
How am I doing so far? Have I painted a clear word picture for you?
The title of the article is “porn addiction and depression struggling christian,” not “how to put off dealing with the baggage/problems in your life for the reluctant and helpless christian.”
Let me be clear: we all compare ourselves to those around us, that is normal and can be very healthy. What I am addressing in this article is the problem of comparing ourselves to others as a means of running away from our long term problems, that end up making things worse, and either increases or leads a person into a depressed state of mind.
(It should be noted that I am addressing the topic of depression from the perspective of personal decision making and trauma. There are lots of professionals that address the topic from the perspective of chemical imbalances and the need for medical drugs to solve the problem. I am not addressing this topic in any such manner and neither do I have the credentials to do so.)
So, back to my story. In either of the above mentioned situations that I find myself, while I am surveying another person’s backyard, who is taking care of mine?
A nicer way of putting it is...while I am minding other people’s business, who is minding mine?
No one. I have abandoned ship.
If I do this for long periods of time, say days and weeks, will my backyard improve or get worse?
I started off the story feeling depressed, sad, hurt. Instead of taking an honest and compassionate look at what was bothering me I decided to look away from my thoughts and feelings and look at something, anything else, and in this situation, others that are close to me in either emotional or physical proximity.
My lack of self control creates a downward spiral. The more I feel out of control of my own life, the more I try to control others. I didn’t try to control others in an overt, outward manner in the story I mentioned, I did it covertly by spending time critiquing their lives, their choices.
It seems harmless enough, but here’s the rub. What control do I have over other people’s lives? None. Or very very verrry little... at best.
One of the best ways to feel depressed is to take on a task that is almost 100% guaranteed to fail.
Once I fail, then I often feel like a failure, so I then feel depressed. If I fail over and over and over and over, eventually it’s logical that I would believe I “am a failure,” not someone who fails. My self perception becomes cauterized, or locked into being a stronghold of something that is simply not true.
Fact: It’s almost impossible to control others
Fact: It requires a lot of time, energy and self discipline to learn how to control ourselves and do it well.
What’s great about porn is...it requires no time, effort or self discipline! You don’t need to develop your ability to listen effectively to others. You don’t need to take care of your body in order to attract or keep a suitable mate. You don’t need to have a job or a purpose for living or anything at all...really.
People are something to be controlled with porn. Addictive behaviours are always that way. An alcoholic has control over a bottle. What’s in the bottle provides relief for them. The workaholic can control the hours they put in at the office as a means of demonstrating their value to their family and friends. The person addicted to food may use a box of cookies as a means of controlling what goes into their mouth. Whether the box of cookies is the right thing to eat is beside the point, what matters is the perception of control.
After we have engaged in the addictive behaviour such as consuming porn, do we generally feel better about ourselves or worse? After the initial high has passed, is our self confidence higher or lower? What can we do to put the brakes on this self destructive pattern of self medicating to avoid dealing the challenges and mess in our own backyard?
1. Do an honest inventory of your life at this period of time. Trying to do an entire inventory of your whole life is way to much to handle for any of us and can tip us into a state of overwhelm.
A note of caution: The phrases “tell me the truth” or “be honest with me” have been high jacked to primarily address things that aren’t going well or to focus on deficiencies and not successes.
When we feel depressed about certain aspects of our lives, it’s vital that we don’t get caught in the destructive pattern of “all or nothing” thinking. This type of thinking can have us riding an emotional roller coaster that vacillates between “I can do anything” and “I can do nothing.” Both extremes are destructive and delusional.
2. Catch yourself doing things right. This requires dropping the word “perfect” from your vocabulary, unless it is connected to God Almighty. This one change in your language will have a huge impact in your life if you will adopt it. Challenge what I am saying. Can you think of anything that a human does that is perfect? Aiming for perfection is the same as trying to control other people: it’s impossible. Striving to accomplish tasks that are impossible pretty much guarantees a person is going to be depressed/bummed out/demotivated about themselves and their life’s prospects.
Ken Blanchard has written on this subject of “catching people doing things right” for many years. One of my favourite books on the subject is “Whale Done! The Power of Positive Relationships.”
I highly recommend this book as a means of conditioning yourself to see not only your limitations but your strengths, which in turn allows you to gain some much needed momentum in your battle with porn and its addictiveness.
3. Treasure the small wins. The conditioning to think big is well ingrained in our society, but it is often taken out of context and misapplied. When it comes to compulsive sexual sin/porn addiction or some other addictive behaviour, sometimes just slowing down the speed of descent is progress. If a person has been viewing porn on a weekly basis for a decade, then a bit of success for them might be only viewing it once every two weeks. It is hard for people who don’t struggle with this sort of problem to understand my logic. They believe that going from a habit of really foul language, which I had before I became a Christian, is something that I have been able to overcome in a brief period of time, or a few months. Newsflash, it hasn’t been!
“And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” Romans 12:2
The
part of the scripture verse that I want to highlight is “the
renewing of your mind.” Few Christian leaders have done a better
job at addressing the issue of Christian mind renewal than Neil T.
Anderson did in his book “Victory Over the Darkness.” This book
is a must read in my opinion.
Below I’ve listed some questions you can use to start the process of self discovery and overcoming the feelings of helplessness that feed directly into feelings of depression.
What do you have control over in your life right now? What is going well for you? What is not going well? If there was one thing you could change in the next couple months what would it be? What do you need to stop doing as soon as possible? What do you need to start doing as soon as possible?
What parts of your backyard do you like? What parts are you neglecting?
The only way you get better is by working on the only thing you have control over, which is yourself. Take the time to answer the questions I’ve listed to the best of your ability. Take the time to take good care of yourself. As Jesus said in Matthew 22:39 – “Love your neighbour as you love yourself.”